Every so often I get in self-pity and start looking at those people who got sober after me who are in relationships and…I’m not. Or I look at those who were sober before me who still are with their significant others and think, “Why do they get to be in a relationship and not me?” The answer comes in the form of, “You had a relationship of 14 years and you did not take care of it as you should have.”
Then the “what ifs” and the “if I only” bombard me. So I take a deep breath and remember what I was taught in treatment: Everything is the way it’s supposed to be. May be not the way I would want it to be or how it should be, but the way it’s supposed to be. I take comfort in the thought that I was lucky enough to have had a loving relationship instead of thinking that I no longer have it.
So I begin practicing being grateful for what I have regardless of what is going on around me. I remember that I can choose to be happy or miserable. And today I have that choice because I’m sober and I have a program of recovery. I have tools I didn’t have before coming to “the rooms.”
I don’t know if there is a romantic relationship in my future but I am grateful that I had one for a long time. I am grateful that I get to have a relationship with my family while so many other people can’t. I am grateful that I get to stay sober by helping other people recover. I am grateful that I have a relationship with myself and I am aware of what I’m feeling. And most of all, that I don’t believe everything I think.