Posts Tagged ‘powerlessness’

Day 13. Powerlessness

Posted: November 14, 2012 in God
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For a long time I believed that I had the power to control other people and their behavior. This was probably fostered by the authority figures I had growing up. They used me as their confidant, asked me for advice, and allowed me to make decisions I had no business making because of my young age.

While all this helped me become very independent and quite decisive, it also created a little dictator who was always right. I felt very powerful. I thought my way was not just the only way but the best way. I would later find out that just because some people are not following my path doesn’t mean they’re on the wrong path.

Being always right allowed me to survive many a crisis.I felt powerful. This also meant though that I had to have all the answers. I had to always be strong so people could come to me for help; not surprisingly, I wasn’t very fond of people. I felt that people just took from me.

When I crossed that line from recreational user/drinker to becoming an addict/alcoholic, I felt powerless. My addiction showed me that I could not stop on my own. I was physically addicted to a chemical substance. I didn’t have the power to control and enjoy its use anymore. It controlled me.

Once I finally admitted I needed help, I went to treatment where I learned that I was powerless over many other things. I had a great sense of relief that I was only responsible for myself. It would be much later that I discover that I can care for people without carrying their burdens.

As my sponsor loves to say, “I am powerless but I’m not helpless.” I can connect to a Source of Power that is always available to me. A Source that doesn’t keep tabs or expects anything in return. An entity that loves me unconditionally, as I am.

I am grateful that I am powerless. I am grateful that instead I am powered by a Spirit of the Universe who I choose to call God.

Stepping Up

Posted: December 30, 2011 in Acceptance
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I feel like I’m getting sober all over again. This time is not a chemical substance but a person. This person was my life partner for over a decade.

I admitted I am powerless over him and that my life had become unmanagable this Tuesday. I was at a meeting with my sponsor. He shared that everything he’s gone through in life, he’s shared with our home group. And then he tagged me to share next.

I was reluctant to talk about my break-up because I didn’t want anybody to know that I failed. At least that’s what my mind tells me, not only that I’ve failed but that I am a failure.

But I’ve learned that “I can’t save my ass and my face at the same time” so I had to tell my home group about the pain and hurt that’s in my heart. I knew that if I kept it a secret it would only become unbearable.

After the meeting was over, several people came over to give me a hug and comfort me with words filled with compassion and love. Surprisingly, they too have gone through what I’m going through!

I know I’m not a failure. I know that I’ll get through this with the help of God and my family of choice. I am a survivor. My challenge today is to not only survive but to thrive and enjoy life no matter what.

I used to always end my day giving thanks for everything that had happened that day. Now it’s a little bit harder to be grateful but I am. I am not denying the sorrow that’s come into my life but I refuse to stay down.

I’m not fully standing up yet but I am on my knees praying for the strength to face what’s to come. I’ve come to believe that a power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I am turning my will and my life over to the care of God…

I don’t run the show anymore. I am taken care of and protected by a being who has my best interest at heart. I don’t have the whole picture but I  have faith in He who does.