For a long time I believed that I had the power to control other people and their behavior. This was probably fostered by the authority figures I had growing up. They used me as their confidant, asked me for advice, and allowed me to make decisions I had no business making because of my young age.
While all this helped me become very independent and quite decisive, it also created a little dictator who was always right. I felt very powerful. I thought my way was not just the only way but the best way. I would later find out that just because some people are not following my path doesn’t mean they’re on the wrong path.
Being always right allowed me to survive many a crisis.I felt powerful. This also meant though that I had to have all the answers. I had to always be strong so people could come to me for help; not surprisingly, I wasn’t very fond of people. I felt that people just took from me.
When I crossed that line from recreational user/drinker to becoming an addict/alcoholic, I felt powerless. My addiction showed me that I could not stop on my own. I was physically addicted to a chemical substance. I didn’t have the power to control and enjoy its use anymore. It controlled me.
Once I finally admitted I needed help, I went to treatment where I learned that I was powerless over many other things. I had a great sense of relief that I was only responsible for myself. It would be much later that I discover that I can care for people without carrying their burdens.
As my sponsor loves to say, “I am powerless but I’m not helpless.” I can connect to a Source of Power that is always available to me. A Source that doesn’t keep tabs or expects anything in return. An entity that loves me unconditionally, as I am.
I am grateful that I am powerless. I am grateful that instead I am powered by a Spirit of the Universe who I choose to call God.
