Posted: May 17, 2017 in Feelings
Tags: ,

It’s been a week since I started this new job. Better pay, tuition assistance, medical benefits, online Continuing Education opportunities, but I’m bored.

Where I was working before, I could barely catch my breath. There was always a crisis that required my attention. I felt needed.

There’s plenty of down time where I’m working now and I’m not used to that. Isn’t that weird? I am feeling restless because I am not constantly doing something. I should feel grateful that I don’t have to be always on and on-the-go.

I’m feeling uncomfortable writing this because I realize how fortunate I am. What can I say? I was raised by addicts and alcoholics, and a bipolar mother so there was hardly ever peace and quiet around growing up.

I was raised to be productive, to always be doing something to better myself, to make sure I was prepared for whatever may come my way, and there was plenty back then.

OMG! I am so bored that I just “friended” my stepmother who is a very nice lady but is always reminding me how I don’t call my father enough.

My father was hardly ever around growing up. My parents divorced when I was three and stayed together off and on until I was eight; by then she was pregnant and getting married to another man.

I used to go see him on the weekends and sometimes I would find him home and then we would go out to eat. Sometimes he would not be there, and I had to go back to my mother’s. My father used to drink a lot.

My stepmother says that he now only drinks on the weekends. There’s not much I can talk to him about. He doesn’t like that I want to further my education. He thinks I should’ve stopped when I finished high school and by now I’m working on my master’s.

I don’t feel too close to him but I think he’s doing the best he can with what he has. He was raised by an alcoholic. The only memory I have of his father, my grandfather, is of him lying on the street passed out drunk.

Of course, I never wanted to be an alcoholic like him, or my uncles, or my stepfather, but becoming addicted to Crystal Meth? Why not?

I didn’t wake up one morning and decided I was going to become an addict. I really thought that I would be able to control my drug use and then quit after I had lost the extra weight but surprise! I was terminally unique. Nothing applied to me. I knew it all. And yes, nothing was ever my fault.

Being in recovery has taught me that I’m only responsible for my feelings, that I don’t have to be everything to everybody, that I can just be, “a worker among workers,” but I’m still recovering from over-functioning.

Yoga Class

Posted: December 13, 2016 in Grace

I took a friend to a yoga class that I love this morning but the teacher who is usually there had a substitute. I was disappointed but I thought that I should give this lady a chance and then the class started.

She went through the different poses very quickly without giving my friend basic options; he is an older gentleman and a beginner. All could think was, “Lady, I told you that he is a new member! I hate you!”

She did not correct or guided the people in the class. She seemed more interested in getting through the class than actually attending to each person’s needs. I wanted to leave but I stayed until the class ended.

I guess I have made progress because my old behavior would’ve been to give the instructor a piece of my mind and tell her how inconsiderate and thoughtless she was. Instead, I went outside to tell my friend good bye and to let him know that this is not what the class is usually like and he was very understanding.

I guess I have been spoiled by usually having great teachers who are kind and knowledgeable. I wanted my friend to experience the same thing so that he could enjoy the benefits of yoga; my fear is that he will not ever try yoga again.

But if this is my biggest problem today, I must have a pretty good life, huh? Recovery works.



Posted: December 1, 2016 in Growing

Tomorrow makes a week since I stopped working. This was more than just a job but a career than I have put on hold until the holidays are over. I left because I went from feeling excited to show up to work every day to dreading being there.

This was the first job where I was not recognized for what I did well except during my performance review and then forgotten and even mistreated through out the rest of the year. The people in charge behaved the way I used to; they were suspicious of everybody and everything and lived in fear.

I began my journey in sobriety exhausted from having to look over my shoulder, being careful not to be stabbed in the back, trying to predict who was going to “mess up” so that I could be ready to clean it up.

And no, I have not become Pollyanna; I know that life is not going to spare me because I’m sober but six years of experience tells me that as long as I stay sober I will be able to get through whatever comes my way. However, there’s still a little voice in my mind that tells me that I just jinxed myself.

I left work because I was trying to squeeze and mold myself into different shapes in order to fit in but I am no longer that person that looks at you and finds you wanting. I now try to see the good in everybody I meet and treat you with respect and dignity because every human being deserves to be treated as such.

I love this new way of living; it allows me the freedom to actually get to know people and not put them into little boxes that fit my impression of them. Do I like everybody I meet? Of course not but I learned not to demonize those who are different than I, to give them the freedom to be who they are.

I wasn’t allowed that freedom where I used to work so I had to leave. I cannot longer stay where I’m not appreciated for who I am.

Love Truly

Posted: July 2, 2016 in Uncategorized

I’m taking advantage of a three-day weekend and going out of town so for the first time I put my doggies in a kennel. I dropped them off yesterday because my flight leaves before they’re open. I did not think of taking a blanket or a pillow for their stay so I decided I would swing by on my way to the airport to leave their pillows by the kennel’s entrance.

As luck would have it, they have a glass door and my doggies are staying only a few feet from the entrance. I tried not to get their attention but as soon as I set foot in front of the door I saw them tapping their feet and barking.

I quickly left the “crime scene” thinking that they would come down by the time I got in the car and drove off but I shouldn’t look in the glass door as I was driving away. They were still quite upset that I did not go in to get them. I felt horrible that I could not or would not want to cancel my trip to have them with me.

I made the resolution that after this trip I would take them with me wherever I go but I’m a practical person and that’s not going to be good for them or me. Then I thought that I would become a home body and never travel again but I quickly realize that’s not going to happen either as I love traveling.

These are the first pets I have ever had that are truly mine and I have learned so much from them. One of them has shown me that in order to get what you want sometimes you must make absolutely sure that you tell the person what you want. She ‘s done hat by taking no for an answer whenever she wants to get petted.

The other one has shown that if you give up at the first sign of trouble, you will never get your needs met. He’s done that by allowing his more pushy, take-no-for-an-answer sister to push him away every time she wants all the attention.

The both have taught me unconditional love. I can’t wait to pick them up when I come back from my trip.


Posted: February 21, 2016 in Acceptance

I went to the doctor a few days ago because I thought I had a sinus infection. My doctor was running behind but I counted myself lucky that he was able to squeeze me in at the end of the work day. I got a steroid shot and some antibiotics and I felt better right away.

However, yesterday morning on my way to the gym, I took the antibiotics on an empty stomach as it is written on the bottle. I got to the gym, started working out and I felt queasy. I didn’t think I was going to make it to the bathroom so I went to the nearest trash can to throw up. There was only saliva and phlegm in my vomit but I felt sick so I went home to lie down.

I got ready to go to my regular Saturday morning meeting and drank Sprite to help with my upset stomach. I went to lunch with my sponsor and had to eat soup because my stomach was still upset. I asked a sponsee to pick me up from the place where I was getting a new tire since I had gotten a flat the day before; they were going to take a couple of hours to get the job done so I asked him to drop me off to get my nails done. My sponsee had never had a manicure or pedicure done but decided to join me anyway.

By the time we got done my car was ready and not a single whine or complain had left my mouth. In fact, I was thankful that the flat tire happened during lunch the day before and not on my way way home. And because I needed a ride, I got to spend more time with my sponsee. Old behavior would’ve dictated that I get mad at being sick and having to go to the doctor; or being angry that I threw up at the gym and had to leave; or feeling like I a burden because I had to ask for help from somebody who usually looks to me for help; or at the very least being frustrated that my Saturday routine was altered.

I’m just waiting for my shiny, gold star for good behavior.


Posted: January 15, 2016 in Acceptance

Work has been stressful lately. The person in charge is somebody who lives in fear and shames people to try to control their behavior. It got so bad that I called her supervisor and she agreed that the three of us should have a conversation.

I avoided talking to her one on one because I thought I was not going to be able to do it in a professional manner. She thought that I was afraid of her. I have prayed for her. I have talked to my sponsor, friends, psychiatrist, and anybody who would listen about her.

A coworker who I truly admire left the company because the person in charge had been bullying her for months. This person who left is no wallflower, she has years of experience in her field and decades of sobriety under her belt but she still felt she could not handle the person in charge. Another coworker of mine is really close to resigning too.

The moral is really low at work. I guess I’m having “high class” problems. I have everything I need. I enjoy my line of work and helping people. I have family and friends who love me. I am well regarded, even liked, at work.

I have allowed this person to take too much space in head. It is time for me let go of this person and let her be who she’s going to be. I am powerless over “person in charge” and my life has become unmanageable. I have come to believe that I power greater than myself can restore me to sanity. I turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself.

I Am Enough

Posted: September 19, 2015 in Growing, Recovery
Tags: ,

I got my cards read a few weeks ago. I had never done it because I’m skeptical of stuff like that and not really wanting to know what the future holds, One Day At A Time, right? But I already was at this holistic event with a friend who was going to do it and I thought, what the heck!

I sat next to her and the card reader to hear the reading. My friend thought she was very accurate and then it was my turn. The card reader asked me to cut the deck of cards while thinking of the question I wanted some answers to and then she started to place the cards on the table.

She told me that as long as I keep putting other people first, I’m never going to be completely happy. As an alcoholic, I thought I had always put myself first. When I thought about it some more, I realized that I tend to morph myself into the person I think other people need me to be in order to attract them and keep them by my side.

It’s an old fear of mine, “if you only truly knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” So my tendency is to try to “read” what the person or people in front of me need and try to become that. There are a couple of problems with that though.

By transforming myself into what I thought other people needed me to be, I never allowed other people to truly know who I am. Another problem is that even though I was pretty good at “sensing” what other people needed, I was never one hundred percent accurate.

Being raised by addicts, alcoholics, and people with mental illnesses will make you believe that you have to be everything to everybody. It will also make you try to control every little thing so that you can control the outcome but it doesn’t really work; and when it does, you end up exhausted.

Recovery has allowed me to be my authentic self. It reminds me that I am powerless over pretty much everything except most times my response to a situation. I have learned that I am not responsible for other people’s behaviors and that I don’t have to “fix” or “rescue” people. I have enough working on myself.

Today, I am enough. I am loved. I am loving. I am lovable. Just as I am.