I got my cards read a few weeks ago. I had never done it because I’m skeptical of stuff like that and not really wanting to know what the future holds, One Day At A Time, right? But I already was at this holistic event with a friend who was going to do it and I thought, what the heck!
I sat next to her and the card reader to hear the reading. My friend thought she was very accurate and then it was my turn. The card reader asked me to cut the deck of cards while thinking of the question I wanted some answers to and then she started to place the cards on the table.
She told me that as long as I keep putting other people first, I’m never going to be completely happy. As an alcoholic, I thought I had always put myself first. When I thought about it some more, I realized that I tend to morph myself into the person I think other people need me to be in order to attract them and keep them by my side.
It’s an old fear of mine, “if you only truly knew me, you wouldn’t like me.” So my tendency is to try to “read” what the person or people in front of me need and try to become that. There are a couple of problems with that though.
By transforming myself into what I thought other people needed me to be, I never allowed other people to truly know who I am. Another problem is that even though I was pretty good at “sensing” what other people needed, I was never one hundred percent accurate.
Being raised by addicts, alcoholics, and people with mental illnesses will make you believe that you have to be everything to everybody. It will also make you try to control every little thing so that you can control the outcome but it doesn’t really work; and when it does, you end up exhausted.
Recovery has allowed me to be my authentic self. It reminds me that I am powerless over pretty much everything except most times my response to a situation. I have learned that I am not responsible for other people’s behaviors and that I don’t have to “fix” or “rescue” people. I have enough working on myself.
Today, I am enough. I am loved. I am loving. I am lovable. Just as I am.